Inspired by Bridget Jones Diary, here's my story

Hello.

Apparently my last entry in this dusty blog was on May 2020. I haven't had the chance to properly write in here because well, life happens. 

I figured i can try summarising the events that happened throughout 2020 and earlier (that i can think of and share here for fun and maybe for memories sake).

AND

I also figured that i would try to write it Bridget Jones style (i've been binge-watching it, too much free time i guess) because you know i'm a sucker for that type of movie. I'll be incorporating my style in here though lol.

Here's the summary of what happened in my life after I graduated law school in 2019:-

DECEMBER 2019

Excerpt from my blog draft in December 2019;

"My last entry was in April. apparently according to the blogger's stat 113 person viewed it. crazy. who would be interested to read my rants lol. but thanks sebab sudi baca.

imma summarise what happened in the last 8 months i've been off this site:

1. i'm dating a guy. for almost 8 months. i know. i'm as shocked as you are. it's actually possible to have a healthy relationship...after years of being single and traumatized. here i am~
2. i graduated law school, with a CGPA of >3.00. which was very weird cos i've been slacking off in final year. there's like 3 classes where i only showed up twice for each tutorials and lectures and i'm actually thankful i can score in my exams. very weird lol, but alhamdulillah.
3. i'm doing my chambering now. away from home. same place where i fucked up during my college days. with a pay that i'm actually content with. with a good master. let's see how this one turns out."

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: still in a healthy relationship as to the aforementioned month/year. it was going surprisingly well
• Bad habit: still had no intention to get rid of em
• Stress level: manageable, but i knew it was gonna get bad and i wasn't wrong though
• Financial: very bad. had to rent a place with 10 other housemates. pure nightmare. imagine having to share a toilet with 6 other people. it was chaotic. it went on for 6 months (since September'19)
• Employment status: employed, still. technically not an employee but i still get paid above minimum wage (slightly) so it was all good. a girl can't complain much. what more can a fresh graduate ask for.

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2020

The only thing i can remember here is that I have lost all my passion for legal practice- not a surprise of course. There were a lot of travelling going on. Court cases, draftings, with more work dramas sometimes, you know the drill. 

I however did not enjoy every minute of it. 

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: still in a healthy relationship. he helped me throughout my trying times. shoutout to this great guy. i really am the luckiest girl
• Bad habit: still there
• Stress level: on the verge of breaking down for real
• Financial: still very bad. no savings at all. 10 housemates? yeah they were still there
• Self esteem: always ruined. only at work though- i knew i wasn't competent enough to handle all of that burden
• Employment status: employed, still

MARCH 2020-APRIL 2020 

It was traumatizing- with a full lockdown going on, being away from family and friends (and boyfriend), it sucks balls to be honest. I never wanna relive this period again.

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: on the verge of breaking up. did not see each other for 2 months. i am dramatic so of course it had to be that way, we pulled through though ;)
• Bad habit: worst on so many levels, you have no idea
• Stress level: i thought of seeing a psychiatrist, that's how bad it was (didn't go though, too afraid to settle my own issues)
• Financial: it got better. got a raise. my boss is a nice man, thankfully. moved out from the chicken coop and found a better place. with just 2 housemates and a room to myself. but then MCO happens so i was stuck in a dark hole again lol
• Self esteem: ruined as always 
• Employment status: employed, still

MAY 2020-JULY 2020

As per my previous post before this one (click here), not much that I can rewind but one thing for sure, I was overwhelmed, stressed and felt like jumping off my apartment all the time, thinking it would solve my issues if i was d*ad lol.

I also marked my final month of pupillage in June 2020. Some issues with paper filings- so i did not get called to the Bar as early as i initially planned.

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: it was going just fine. thankfully i don't have to think much about my relationship because he's one of the reasons why i pulled through. celebrated our first anniversary together too. girl i still can't believe a nice guy is in love with me (yes it is possible)
• Bad habit: given the situation, of course it had to get worse day by day
• Stress level: always stressed. can never take my mind off of work. crazy deadlines to chase every day. still think i need to see at least an online therapist, but of course i didn't do it
• Financial: so-so, been paying off my student loan on top of all other commitments, so it was all fine
• Self esteem: can't remember when was the last time i felt good about myself. i don't appreciate people commenting my style/ attire/ looks (not my boyfriend) . after all you don't pay for all this shit so why bother 
• Employment status: employed, but with a cost

 

AUGUST 2020-SEPTEMBER 2020

Ah, i turned 24. According to my mum I need to think about marriage, but she has no clear idea of what's going on in my life so i don't blame her for thinking i'm stable enough to settle down.

I wrote a slightly long post when i turned 22 in this blog too, in case you wanna read it, i'll attach the link:- (click here)

I did not follow my own advice of course, that's not the news.

Anyways, since August is my birthday month. I would like to quote one of the best wishes I have received in 2020 from Nad:-

"Hey bud. Its your birthday again! Finally 24. 

Crazy ride these 24 years huh. Okay so I don’t want to blabber a lot of things like I always do in my hella long birthday wishes for you almost every year. 

I just wanted to say to you that, I’m proud of you dayu. Proud of you and your achievements this far. I mean man look at you now, you’re on your way to be called to the bar and thats insane! It feels like it wasn’t long ago we were roomies, were stressing over llb and whatnot. I know and understand that the road has not been smooth, but you made it this far and that calls for a celebration. 

I haven’t been the greatest friend all this while maybe because of the time and distance but know that you’re always in my prayers buddy. I genuinely wish your journey ahead will be at ease regardless of what you choose to do. You’re a toughie. You’ll fight on whatever. Even if you fall down once in a while, you’ll get back up. I’m sure of that. So hang on! 

Also, thank you for being there for me and for all the memories. You’re one of the few souls I like to be around with and I hope you keep on spreading that vibe. To many more years of friendship and birthdays sis. Have a good one and take care alright! See you when I see you. ✨💕

Oh fuck I think I wrote a long message again. Damnit."

I will always look forward to receiving nice birthday wishes. It reminds me that people still care you know. so thank you, friends. you know who you are.

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: still in a relationship. fights are normal but i was the one who started it hahaha, nothing serious. he's still so patient with me as he has always been
• Bad habit: no sign for it to go away, of course
• Stress level: i dreaded getting up every day. anxious all the time, felt like throwing up almost every day. overwhelmed is an understatement. every time i read about depression facts i would try to relate it back to me. but i know i had no intention to see any professional so i can't say i'm depressed. it was very blurry. i hated it
• Financial: still paying off my student loan, rent and bills on time, so i guess it was a-okay
• Self esteem: ruined still :D
• Employment status: employed but still with a cost

OCTOBER 2020

I decided it's time to quit my job. after a series of fights with my parents telling them i need to quit legal  practice, i decided that it's time to go. 

My parents eventually come through and tried to understand my situation. i am not the type of kid who'd go all my way to correct them, but this time i thought- if i didn't do it now it will only get worse and i don't wanna risk it. i hate doing things that i'm not passionate about, so what is the point of trying?

My mum works in a healthcare sector so i know she'd eventually understand my mental health issues. as always, she understands and my dad is fine with whatever my mum decides, so...haha

Long story short-i tendered my resignation. not without dramas, of course. i wanted to stay at least one more year and be a litigator, for my sake too. but again, unlike everybody else, i don't do well under pressure. i don't magically turn into diamonds under pressure, i'd break and fall apart- it would only get worse. i'd do things that will hurt myself the most, so i took a leap of faith and decided to quit.

At the time i did not think much about my next job, i only want to go home and rest- put all my responsibilities aside. 

But i know i'm not a child anymore. i went home- my best friends were LinkedIn, Jobstreet and all other job-seeking platforms you can think of. mind was never at peace thinking about my commitments and not wanting to burden my parents.

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: all good, my own issues sometimes takes a toll on us but he has always been understanding and supportive
• Bad habit: still there
• Stress level: turned out stressing out about a job you hate is way worse than stressing out about unemployment, so i guess it was bearable
• Financial: ate up my savings to pay all my commitments, my pocket hurts but i was content
• Self esteem: it got better :)
• Employment status: unemployed, attended a number of interviews- physical and virtual ones. some interviewers are cocky, some are nice- did not get any job though lol

NOVEMBER- DECEMBER 2020

 

I always think that it's a good thing when i don't have much to write about. 

The highlight is of course, i was finally called to the Bar. This girl is a full-fledged Advocate & Solicitor now. 

I remember being content with what I have during this period and I finally secured a job as an in-house counsel in a trustee company after attending six interviews in a month and a half.

The prayer from my parents could also be the reason. I am forever thankful for all my trials and tribulations- though it was hard, I finally feel content- and this is the feeling i've been longing for quite a while.

Apart from that, i also found a new hobby- thanks to all the youtube and tiktok accounts i've been watching in this period.

Remarks:-

• Relationship status: he finally met my parents after a year of planning to
• Bad habit: trying my best to contain it
• Stress level: minimal, bearable
• Financial: used my savings to pay my commitments in the first month- but it's all good
• Self esteem: i can say it's improved- probably up to 60%
• Employment status: employed, alhamdulillah

CONCLUSION

Obviously I did not tell everything that was going on for the past year- but you get the idea; it's not easy to figure out what you wanna do in life. The process will be hard- but hopefully it will be worth it some day.

Thank you for taking your time to read this pointless post. 

I would like to thank everyone who's been with me all this while. you know who you are.

Good bye for now.

-edayu (6/3/2021)