Hello. here i am again, indulging in the only healthy coping mechanism of mine.
exactly a year ago i wished i'd stop writing in this blog, because i know who the hell blogs nowadays. we all would just shitpost on twitter and get over it the day after. little did i know i'd live to be in this pandemic to actually have so much free time to do this. i'll try to make this less sad, because you know i won't come here if i didn't feel like shit.
exactly a year ago i wished i'd stop writing in this blog, because i know who the hell blogs nowadays. we all would just shitpost on twitter and get over it the day after. little did i know i'd live to be in this pandemic to actually have so much free time to do this. i'll try to make this less sad, because you know i won't come here if i didn't feel like shit.
life has been confusing, to say the least. nothing has changed since i had this life-changing revelation that the legal life is not for me. not the literal legal lah, you get what i mean. though it can be seen that way too.
anyway,
i know people around me are tired of me whenever i start this topic. i can actually feel their energy dissipating into the air every time i ask for any advice, or maybe to just have small talks, and surprisingly even in small talks i manage to pitch in my rantings because who am i without it? honestly. in all seriousness everyone, i am still lost. i've been feeling like this for as long as i can remember; more than a year. so many things happened throughout the year since i graduated but this is the one issue i can't resolve. i did try, god knows how hard i tried. it's just so tiring to try and try but you know it won't just magically change things. it's frustrating. some days i'd just cry myself to sleep, wallowing in my sadness and my bad habits, blacked out till i feel better to try again the next day. this cycle has been going on since i before i graduated but it just keeps getting worse. you have no idea. ada yang cakap i have been overthinking. maybe i have, i know. but i can't seem to find the right ways to fix this. it affects me mentally, financially, hell even physically. don't even come to me preaching about praying and having faith, sometimes you just feel so lost even doing that won't help. i did try though. you can maybe pass your judgement now.
moving on,
i watched this Spanish class warfare film, The Platform. the film alone is already clouding over my mind considering how relatable it is and i have watched it more than 3 times trying to look for every fucked up thing happening in this hole we all live in. This one character named Trimagasi told his cellmate that maybe he wasn't feeling happy and content with his life because he's been ignoring all this small joys around him, like sharpening his kitchen knife. putting the whole psychopath thing aside though, i think i have been feeling the same. ever since i started this whole adulting affair all by myself i have been abandoning every small joys around me. i never get my hair done anymore, it's frizzy. i haven't been buying new clothes for years, i stopped feeling confident about myself and how i look like. i never exercise anymore, i feel shitty about myself. i never really doll up for any occasions, be it big or small ones, i feel less attractive. i never really care about my skincare routine anymore, i hated seeing myself in the mirror. i never really have the chance to save some money in my accounts, i feel broke all the time it kinda sucks feeling broke, like real sucks. i could just put this feeling away and force myself to be grateful for what i have. at least i can pay rent every month, and with that at least i have a place to break down in every now and then. you get what i mean. but sometimes little things help. maybe i should start to not care so much and spend the little amount of money i can save at the end of the month and focus on the small joys for me. maybe then i will feel content and least close to feeling happy about my blurry life.
the rest below is the lyrics from Kodaline, because it's very relatable and now that i'm almost 24 (god damn), i wanna have the pleasure of putting song lyrics on my blog like how i used to do when i was fifteen. small joys, you know.
I am trying to learn and I'm dying to know
When to move on and when to let it go
A curious feeling no one can explain
And I just don't know if I'll risk it again
When the future's so unsure
When the future's so unclear
So you swallow your heart and you swallow your pride
You gotta be tough if you wanna survive
They'll chew you up and they'll eat you alive
You shouldn't give up on the dreams in your mind
We walk, we walk on
Our time, our time will come
-dayu, 3/5/2020
i watched this Spanish class warfare film, The Platform. the film alone is already clouding over my mind considering how relatable it is and i have watched it more than 3 times trying to look for every fucked up thing happening in this hole we all live in. This one character named Trimagasi told his cellmate that maybe he wasn't feeling happy and content with his life because he's been ignoring all this small joys around him, like sharpening his kitchen knife. putting the whole psychopath thing aside though, i think i have been feeling the same. ever since i started this whole adulting affair all by myself i have been abandoning every small joys around me. i never get my hair done anymore, it's frizzy. i haven't been buying new clothes for years, i stopped feeling confident about myself and how i look like. i never exercise anymore, i feel shitty about myself. i never really doll up for any occasions, be it big or small ones, i feel less attractive. i never really care about my skincare routine anymore, i hated seeing myself in the mirror. i never really have the chance to save some money in my accounts, i feel broke all the time it kinda sucks feeling broke, like real sucks. i could just put this feeling away and force myself to be grateful for what i have. at least i can pay rent every month, and with that at least i have a place to break down in every now and then. you get what i mean. but sometimes little things help. maybe i should start to not care so much and spend the little amount of money i can save at the end of the month and focus on the small joys for me. maybe then i will feel content and least close to feeling happy about my blurry life.
the rest below is the lyrics from Kodaline, because it's very relatable and now that i'm almost 24 (god damn), i wanna have the pleasure of putting song lyrics on my blog like how i used to do when i was fifteen. small joys, you know.
I am trying to learn and I'm dying to know
When to move on and when to let it go
A curious feeling no one can explain
And I just don't know if I'll risk it again
When the future's so unsure
When the future's so unclear
So you swallow your heart and you swallow your pride
You gotta be tough if you wanna survive
They'll chew you up and they'll eat you alive
You shouldn't give up on the dreams in your mind
We walk, we walk on
Our time, our time will come
-dayu, 3/5/2020
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