present tense

excerpt from things i wrote a few days back.

i am writing this with hope that some day when i am someone, when i am finally content and happy with my life, i would have something to look back and laugh at the young miserable me.

i don't know if this is just a phase of my life. some would say it is, but honestly, it wouldn't count as a phase if it feels like it lasted forever, would it? i feel like i have been living in a constant near miss adventure. or could this be a misadventure? i have no idea. i wake up every morning questioning every single thing, every single direction in my life and i go to bed with the same exact thoughts.

i am not happy. i feel like i never will be. friends have been helping me sorting this out, bless them- i can't thank them enough. with them around it's like i'm living in this dome of joy and happiness and content but our schedules don't really sync, so when ever i'm alone without them i feel like i am surrounded with constant doubts and disappointments. worst part is i don't even know where this came from. maybe it's just me trying to find reasons within everything not to go on anymore. or the simplest thing- maybe it's school that's draining me out. or maybe, it's the void that won't leave me alone for quite a while now- i try to find reasons to be fair with myself but still it is to no avail. i don't even know how to explain it in details.

but i'd try to break this down a little this time. they say writing would help me in a way, so that's what i'm gonna do. maybe try to re-live this blog again and write whatever that i used to. not just when i'm sad, but i know i can't commit anyway. now i'm trying my best to do so. maybe i'll write write and write till i shut this blog down again.

it could probably be this bachelor's degree i'm doing. i am not entirely in love with it, nor do i hate it. every day i try to convince myself i'm gonna do great one day but i know it's all lies. you know how far you can go down in a road sometimes and this time i'm a hundred percent positive that in no time i'd find a dead end. maybe you can convince me that i'd do great and i'd still be inspired back then in second year but now i know maybe, just maybe i am not meant to do all this thing. but i'll keep trying though. at least until June or July 2020, or maybe for just two months left now. we'll see, i guess. i'm just tired of trying and trying but it never worked for me. tired of having expectations but then people would just tear it down for me. a constant near miss.

maybe it's just my envy towards people who have it all. people who don't think as deep as i do on a daily basis. people who can just open up and settle with whoever they want to. i can't even talk about anything without thinking about the consequences of the stuff i talked about. i tried to think less but it's just not me.

it could also be my distant relationship with God. i'm not a devout servant, i don't take pride of being one but i know He is always with me. i could fix this one factor though, just need to sort some things out first. i don't wanna talk much about it.

-dayu