here we go again

alright, here we go again.

the start of my final year was overall shitty. i thought it would get better in time. it gets worse. lol. i don't wanna sound like a whiny bitch but i am not Idayu without my whining attitude. this time it's more than just academic problems, tbh. but of course that will be my biggest concern my whole life as a student, so let's start with that first.

i don't think i can do criminal litigation. advocacy in general, i was wrong for thinking i would do just fine. i can't do filings as good as my firmmates or my classmates. i can't do conveyancing, i can't do whatever crap that they ask me to. i get it done, of course. a girl is no slacker but still. i can't find my way in this whole legal fraternity lane. it just feels off sometimes. to think that i might disappoint a lot of people if i say this hurts me. my chest literally hurts every time i think of my performance here. everyone can get good grades, i have no problem with that. i'm just disappointed at myself for not being able to do what i thought was my passion. they say it takes time, but how much time do i have really? i'm leaving this place very soon yet i still feel lost. they said i did well, they envy my confidence, but deep down i know something just feels kinda off. i tried waking up in the morning to be happy with whatever i have to deal with, because i know the passion is still there, but it's certainly fading this time- and it sucks to see people discovering what they wanna do after graduating knowing you have nothing in mind and nothing to offer after you leave this place.

this is as real as i can be. i have no one to talk to about anything, i'm lost all the time. i go to sleep feeling absolutely worthless. i wake up everyday with no intention of getting better.

i'm getting bad at handling myself again. i can't tone down my bad habits, i've been doing stuff just to take off my mind off things. i've been finding happiness in all the wrong places. my body is seriously failing on me but i've been pretending like nothing is wrong and i joke it off with anyone attempting to ask how i'm doing. sometimes that's my only coping mechanism, apart from the unhealthy ones, of course. if that can help me through this phase, i'm not stopping. god knows how long it'll last.

i don't have many friends. most of them are finding their significant others, and i'm happy for them. despite the fact that i can't help but feel absolutely pathetic for being alone for almost 4 years now, of course i'm happy for them. i wish my mind works just the same as them. i wish i don't have this weird issues about this whole lovey dovey shit but who am i kidding. i spend most of my time alone, and i let my thoughts consume the sane part of me and it gets super fucking lonely at times. i don't wanna let this void consume me and let me be numb my whole life, but i can't even afford to feel numb anymore. keeping everything inside won't help me even a tiny bit, i can feel myself getting worst day by day- be it my desire not to be sober even in day time, be it my envious self of seeing people happy, it's all mixed up and i'm holding on to it as hard as i can, but it's not easy.

damn this life man. why do i have to be me? when will i ever be happy? is happiness even a thing?

this is going nowhere but imma keep going. but you can stop reading now, cause it's about to get real messy. as real as i can get, remember?

someone literally said "maybe it was an honest mistake," when a friend of mine touched me inappropriately a few times and i decided to face him and cut him off of my life. but i know i can't do anything, no one would ever stand up for me. i can't complain though, i never did anything good for anyone. maybe there's a truth in that you know, maybe it was an honest mistake. maybe he thought me being nice to him is me letting him do whatever he wants to me. 

maybe that's all i'm worth to boys. that's all i am to them. and they ask me why i have issues. that's one of the reasons why, you fuckers.

and that's all. if i'm still alive a few years from now hopefully i'll revisit this page with a laugh. at least i know my life was fucked up if i ever get better. 

you can go now.