one of the signs that i'm doing fine is that i'm out of reasons to write anything. it's sad to think that i only write when i'm sad. i should be writing when i'm happy, so that when i look back i will know things weren't so bad after all. but tonight i just wanna say i'm thankful for whatever reasons behind everything that happened a few months back. it helps me put things back into perspective- all the people i met, all the shit i've been through- just everything man.
i believe i have been purposely trying to drown myself in this wicked pool of emotions just because my life has been pretty dull lately, well before all this bullcrap stuff happens at least. no amount of tears of regret can explain how messy it was, to be honest. i went through worse back in the years but it was sort of a refreshing moment this time. i didn't regret it that much. in fact i like that it happened, it was like a peak of my life but at the same time i was at the rock bottom too. more like a process to find out who i am. shit was really messy believe me i told everyone about it, my friends are probably annoyed of me they must have thought of murdering me in my sleep- but one of them decided to play Beautiful Mess when we were on a car ride back from class and said, "ok dayu this song resembles you." geez. thanks? haha.
stuff that happened, i guess you could have guessed what it was especially if you're my friends- (it wasn't a break up lol) changed a hell lot of beliefs in my life. in a way it was like a series of existential crisis, and i never had any thoughts on that before that happened, which is good because my dumb privileged self wouldn't have thought about going through all of this. i was sort of soaking all the negative vibes from it but thank heavens i know how to throw them the fuck away this time.
this is a special shoutout to everyone who was there when i was at my lowest. those who picked up my calls just to hear me whining about the same stuff over and over again, those who just let me cry in my bed cause yall were too scared i would flip the fuck out if yall ever try to calm me down, those who had to watch me threw up a hell lot after somewhat a very normal night but i was stupid so yeah, those who helped me when i couldn't even stand properly, those who convinced me i would go through this, those yang puji my stupid poems about a damn dude- everyone lah. if my prayers diberkati dan diterima i pray you guys receive endless happiness and blessings. yall are priceless.
and i'm moving on chicos! time to get back to some fun rides again. i'm up for the new ones.
well, i hope i do.
akhir kata, i hope i will never write again. even if i do, i hope it's all for good reasons, like this one.
good night.
0128 hrs
Nov 5, 2017.
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