Dictionary defines adulthood as "the state or condition of being fully grown or mature".
First thing that came to my mind was, what the fuck even is that? Yes, they say the average age of us turning into an adult is 21, but again wtf do I know at 21? At 21 all I wanted to do was have maaad fun but still pass my exams. That is not what being adult feels like, at least to me.
You see, I have this weird pent-up frustration lately that I am not doing enough. I kept on thinking there is so much more to life, there is so much things I want to do but being an adult sucks. Also because I was once so stupid I thought I could do whatever the heck I wanted once I have a stable job and be this career lady I have always imagined myself to be.
Joke's on me I guess.
I believe this is meant to be shared with a therapist but who am I kidding? I don't have the extra bucks lying around to pay a professional so much $$$ by the hour to help me heal, I need to sort this shit out for myself.
So here goes,
This is me trying to sort my shit out by writing during office hour.
I remember writing on this blog on what it feels like to turn 23, or was it 22? Either way, feels like yesterday! This year I'm turning 27. Twenty freaking SEVEN. I'm closer to 30 than I was to 20. Time moves insanely fast when you're busy living I guess.
Or time just passes by so fast because you're just too busy trying to survive, and I don't only mean surviving just to earn some thousands per month to eat and pay rent- it's more to surviving life fighting all the bad thoughts you have about it.
Oh, and seeing other people doing life so well- well, that doesn't help either.
I don't even know how to explain it, I've been comparing my life a lot to all these people I have access to (social medias obviously)- and I've been thinking that I'm left behind in so many aspects.
I know we are not supposed to be comparing, but I'm only human and I believe it's just natural to compare, but not to the extent of hating my life for doing it.
So to make myself feel better , some days I will list the things that I'm thankful for in my head (you know, just therapy-like stuff) so I'll feel better about my life, only this time I'm typing it out:-
1. I have a great partner, the kind of person I'd die for, but also the person I'd live for, you know, cheesy like that. We've been together for years, he knows me and I know him. He provides for me, we sail on this journey together. He's there when I break down, or whenever I needed him to. I know there's only so much I could unpack with him- because in the end only I would know how messy my head is. There's only so much I could share. I'm glad that with him, I know what a peaceful relationship is. He teaches me so much even when he doesn't realise it. Before him, all I know about love is just chaos. Love to me was, all butterflies at first- in between that and the end is just pure chaos. With him it's just so easy, both of us were not scared, we are both committed to each other. I like how easy it is and how loving he is throughout all the ordeal in my life. The one and only person who wouldn't judge me for any of my decisions and can be supportive all the way through it all. I'm thankful for my the love of my life, the one I call my husband- I pray for us that it's eternal. I thank him for being in my life.
2. I have a roof over my head, a place to sleep, food to eat.
3. I have a job, I know it can be overwhelming but I did great for the past 3 years. I actually need to give myself some credit for surviving so much professional life crisis and dramas. I'm still here, landed a much better role- slowly but surely. I have to be proud of this.
4. I am still alive despite it all.
The problem is..
Often when I try to list things like this, I'll think at the back of my mind like this is all so basic. It's like there's someone whispering to me almost (no one was whispering it's just a metaphor) that I'm thankful for all the basic stuff. It's like the bar is on the floor!!!
But then again, every time I try to achieve something more- let's say something much more than a normal life, like travelling the world kind of more, paying off all my debts kind of more, I'd feel so anxious about everything, work so little to get it and eventually settle with whatever that I have.
I guess that's just life, and at 27 even though my frontal cortex is fully developed 2 years back, I still have a lot of things to unpack within myself.
Everyday is a new battle, and in the end I know I will always survive it.
Wow, at least I now have the capacity to look into things with a better perspective, despite my other consciousness telling me I have to achieve more to feel content. The game of finding an ultimate contentment, non-stop- until I'm seven feet down the earth.
I find myself always discounting the fact that my life is actually progressing, it's always an uphill journey, no major drawbacks or a huge fall-down. I realised lately that I've always wanted more, despite having everything I wished for, I've always wanted more.
I also realise I'm just human, and there's nothing wrong wishing for more, but as someone with a faith to believe in- I have to work on myself to always be grateful, seize the moment or however people say it.
All in all, I am a work in progress, always and will be.
Signed
Almost 27 dayu
3:45pm, Wednesday 12th April 2023
Kelana Jaya
